Another year, another Gift

With tomorrow's start of another season of piano lessons looming over me, I'm trying to encourage my excitement to outweigh my nerves. (I may or may not be having success). Entering the year with double the students as last year, I feel a bit like a basket case and seriously question if I'm ready or capable of this. So I've found myself returning to a reflection I began crafting during the season last year to remind myself why I do what I do, and what I love most about it. This, this is at the core of my passion and my love for teaching all my students.

Growing up I sat at the piano for hours practicing the same songs over and over, driving my family mad. And yes, it's been an integral part of my life. This is because playing the ivories eventually became more than hitting all the right notes with the perfect tempo and the perfect expression. Eventually it became about the connection I felt  - to the music but even more so the connection it exposed within myself. I will turn to my piano in all emotional states - in joy and elation, in celebration or in sorrow, in exhaustion or in angst. And it is there at the keyboard where my fingers dance over the smooth and familiar ivories that my overflowing and joy filled soul or my bruised and weary soul will soar with the music.  

I am reminded of what one of my little students said to me one day as he was improvising his own beautiful music. "I made that up...I just go where the music takes me" he explained with a sweet, quiet excitement and innocent pride. His words struck me in that moment and continue to do so even months later.

I didn't know I was ever going to teach piano. It was never a part of my long term plans or goals, rather it was just a random thought one day and somehow I made it happen. Most weeks I still have a hard time believing I am actually teaching little (and not so little) ones the joy and love of music (well, hopefully joy and love are apart of it ;) ).

I have found myself hoping - longing - that lesson times with my students exploring new songs, new theories, and new techniques will somehow also instil in them a love, an excitement and a joy for the feeling and connection in music, not just those tedious technicalities. (Although, I will never undermine technical importance). But I haven't fully known how to implement that practically to our lessons. It's not a "practical thing" nor was it necessarily something I actively remember my teachers intentionally relaying to me. Rather, it was a seemingly organic and inner gravitation of my being to the creation of music through my hours of playing. I don't feel as if I can teach that, therefore I can only hope my students will eventually discover their own connection and creativity, while I simply equip them with the understanding and skill of the piano.

So I remember tonight the moment during my own playing and reflecting that it dawned on me what music does for me time and time again, may in fact, be doing the same thing for my students - already! I don't - and I can't - take credit for that but I do consider it to be such a great and ever giving gift! A gift for my student(s) as they explore a new outlet (and inlet) to their soul that I hope will last them a lifetime. And yes, a gift to me as their teacher, fulfilling my hope for their success as musicians but mostly I hope they become beings who are able to seek and discover a connection within music and within themselves.

It's overwhelming to me to be, even in the smallest way, a part of this with them.

My days on the bench, at the keyboard, now with students at my side - practicing the same songs over and over - fill my soul more than I could ever have imagined they would. It's a true privilege - never taken for granted.

So I am reminded,

I take deep breaths,

"I can do this" I say,

What will be my hourly mantra for the week, I am sure.

Now I sit,

I anticipate,

with some semblance of calm and excitement,

Allowing the week to unfold as it will.

Another year,

Another gift.   

Fighting the Secret Battle: I'm not my Anxiety and Anxiety isn't Me

I hate living with anxiety. That inexplicable, gut gripping, and mind numbing stress that takes over my body and brain for days on end; never knowing when it will strike or when it will end. Breathing becomes unnatural, challenging and painful; nausea settles and food revolts. Insecurities arise and reason soars out the window so nights are filled with incessant worries and insomnia. Anxiety is when I go about my days appearing just fine to those around me, but inwardly I'm fighting this exhausting battle no one sees and I can't help but feel utterly alone in the world -- failing at life.

I hate admitting it or talking about it to others because it makes me appear so weak; explaining to someone that something as simple as walking into a room of people or making an "easy" decision can trigger a panic attack seems so silly in the rational. It's an uncomfortable and defeating reality to share, even with those closest to me. This is a state of vulnerability I'd rather not enter. 

I can write these things because I'm currently in a healthier state - it's with the grandest gratitude I can proclaim anxiety is not holding such a tight grip on me these past couple of months. It's these days (weeks and sometimes even months) - when life doesn't overwhelm, encouragement is encountered, incompetence is far from mind and anxiety's grip doesn't hold steadfast - that I need to hold onto. I am not my anxiety; anxiety is not me. 

I'm so grateful for supporting programs such as Bell Let's Talk and Mental Health Awareness Week.I'm so grateful for supporting friends who have listened to me talk, for what sometimes seems endless. Connecting and sharing with others, even in the vulnerability, has healing power. Mental health is not a weakness, or something to be ashamed of and it affects more than we can even know. Everyone knows someone or is someone who struggles with mental health. So to those who struggle: don't suffer in silence rather seek support, we're not alone or defined by our struggles. To those who don't understand, please try. If someone turns to you for your help, take that as one of the greatest compliments you will ever receive, as they're entrusting you at their most vulnerable moments. 

Help break the stigma of Mental Health!

Merry Time in the Maritimes: Silhouette or Soul?

When I think of the word story, I think of grand adventures, magical kingdoms, brave knights and maidens, courageous 'nobodies' and triumphant underdogs. There are endless possibilities and plots all with their own twists, hardships and joys. I've always loved stories. I don't remember a time I didn't enjoy flipping through the pages of a book, or hearing the tales of my mother's childhood on the farm, or the adventures of my dad's boyhood along the canals of the Netherlands. Throughout my own young youth, I was always pulling new books off the shelf, anxious to immerse myself into the the lives of others. It was on those pages that new friendships developed, adventures were had and lessons were learned. As I encountered stories,  I was privileged to view the world from other's perspectives and experiences, whether I was aware of this at the time or not. It was the stories, both written in black ink or simply spoken, that had a part in forming me, my interests, my imagination and how I interacted with people.

Story time with dad and the sibs back in '93

As I entered adulthood, my intrigue for understanding and knowing someone did not end with characters in a story. It is how I began interacting with the people around me, I longed to understand their story. Whether it be the cashier at the grocery store, the man on the bench at the mall, or an old or new friend; my curiosity in knowing their story was there. I often asked myself, who are they? what brought them here and what or who are they striving to become? It's through an individual's story that we can discover answers to such questions. It's through someone's story that we can encounter an understanding of where they've come from and why they are the way they are. It's through their story that we're able to see who they really are. I know this from experiencing it unfolding in my relationships  with other's as I've listened to theirs stories, but also from personal experience. It's through the crafting of my own story that I began to understand the depth of myself and becoming aware of what has shaped me into me. All of it - the good, the bad, the ugly. Every part of my story has value and impact within my character.

There is such great value in knowing our human story - individually as well as collectively. There is value in the crafting of the story, the sharing of the story and the listening of the story. In the crafting we may find healing and understanding for ourselves. In the sharing we may find further healing in addition to a sense of being loved and known. And in the listening, we are privileged to be considered trustworthy to become privy to the depth of another's being; as we may also understand the other further, learn from their experiences, and be inspired by their story. Without knowing or hearing our stories, we may only know as much as our silhouettes, but there is so much more to the human being than this. From which I've come to conclude: stories are a window into the human soul. Stories are not something to ignore or forget, rather they should be encouraged and embraced. They should be carefully crafted and told and retold; just as importantly, they should be listened to, again and again. Learn from each other, understand one another, inspire one another. Know your story, share your story and know the stories of others.

Know more than the Silhouette, Know the Soul
Campobello Island,  2013

Country Living: Patient Trust

Patience, for me, has never been a natural virtue. From the time I was little to now, waiting is one of my most dreaded activities. It can be understandable then, that waiting upon the Lord, is one of the most challenging things I encounter. Currently, I am in a transitional stage, a waiting stage, a processing and discerning stage; a stage I would so love to fast forward. I would much prefer to know, for certain, what is at the other end. So much so, that if the opportunity arose that I could skip ahead, I may not even bat an eye at jumping forward. But here's where I need to take a step back (yes, back…I used that word….). I need to stop, breathe in, and look around me. Look around at the process that is unfolding, ever so slowly. It is here that the real beauty is found, the forming, shaping and preparation for the "what's next." It is here that my inward and outward changes, ever so subtle, are taking place;  I need to be attentive to these. To be intentional about always seeking knowledge, wisdom and insights. It's here that I must attend to my own thoughts and processes rather than brush them aside. I need to allow them to percolate, brew and then set. 

It is here where I am growing, forming and becoming the woman the potter's hands are forming. Clay is shaped, dried and then fired in a kiln. It's the process in the Kiln that visual evidence isn't as obvious, an already formed pot must sit in the heat for hours after hours, to complete the process. Hardening, drying and chemical reactions evolve, while a slow change in colour may also appear. The heat enables the particles to melt and flow together so as it may set. This time in the kiln is life's transitional stages. The slow processes that are necessary for solid and beautiful outcomes. 

Without the process, the potential for such depth in beauty, wisdom, heart and soul would be lacking. 

This is what the below prayer is reminding me of. Patience in the process, and patience in the work of the Lord. Furthermore, TRUST; trust that He is working, trust that He is forming, trust that He is leading. The how and where are still unknown, but I must stand rooted in that trust, with my eyes turned towards Him. I must accept and embrace the anxieties that come along with this process with a trusting, faithful and prayerful heart.

May this prayer also be a reminder for you to

trust in the work of the potter, 

be ever so patient in the kiln

and know that beauty and growth takes time. 

You'll get there, because He'll get you there!

Patient Trust

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We would like to skip the intermediate stages

We are impatient of being on the way to something

  unknown, something new.

And yet, it is the law of all progress

  that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability

and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;

your ideas mature gradually -

let them grow, let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,

as though you could be today what time,

(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will)

will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming in you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

- Teilhard de Chardin, SJ -

1881 - 1955, Jesuit palaeontologist, French philosopher, Priest

The Chronicles of Sarnia: Always Packing, Never Settling

I've constantly been on the move for the last 4 1/2 years; back and forth from New Brunswick to Ontario and through out the world. I have lived in many places, packed and unpacked many bags and bins, lugged my belongs across the country, from country to country, and continent to continent. It has been incredible, amazing and often inexplicable. It is a good thing the heart continues to expand, because I've continually been leaving pieces of mine behind with the various places and people I've encountered (how cheesy can I get here?!) The last few months I've spent in “The Chronicles of Sarnia” has been yet another adventure, yet another place that has captured my heart (oops, still cheesy, but still true). Through my time in Sarnia, I've expanded my mind, discovered knew aspects of myself, developed new relationships and experienced love. In Sarnia, I've found Home.

I've found “Home” in more places than I know off the top of my head. Through the years of my childhood and adolescence on the 100 acres I first called home; on the road through Western Europe with my classmates and professors, in the halls and classrooms of Park Hall (SSU), and during the short two weeks spent with my host families in the Philippines as well as in Thailand, I've found it. Because of this, Home for me has been altered and redefined. Home isn't just that place I grew up or the place I rest my head at night; neither is it simply the physical place. For me, Home has had to do a lot with the people and experiences encountered. Home is where beauty surrounds (in every sense of the word), enriching conversation is had and love is found. Home is what I make a place become for myself in addition to what others make it for me. It is where friends are found, my continual love of learning and adventure is exercised and cherished memories are made. Poet Oliver Wendall Holmes Sr. says, “Where we love is home – home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” It seems I'm always packing and never settling; I may continually be packing and moving, but my many Homes remain behind, always there to welcome me back if and when the time comes. And that, is a true blessing. The last five months has been no exception to all of the above, even the time to leave and say my good byes has now come.

After finally making a decision through days and weeks of thinking, processing and weighing options, reality hits that my departure is near. There's the tingle of excitement and anticipation for my next adventure, but it is paired with the heavy heart as another chapter comes to a close and good byes have to be said. Thinking back to my very first days of the “Chronicles of Sarnia,” I was engulfed by the very same feelings – the anticipation of the internship ahead but the broken heart of leaving behind my beloved east coast home. At that time, I was convinced I would never feel comfortable, at home or even loved in this new and foreign place. I was alone and hurting for the place I'd just left. I was hesitant to engage and invest myself into new relationships because of the raw state of my heart and the pre-planned short term stay. In a way, I may even have resisted it by putting up a guard.

Yet, over time I was surprised by the ease I began to feel and the connections I was beginning to make with the new people I was surrounded by. I was beginning to find Home. It took weeks but when I did, I was awed and blessed. It all started with the Essers; some how their charm (and constant supply of coffee, tea and wit) broke through my resistance without my conscious realization. Their warm welcome allowed me to truly feel apart of their family. In time, relationships with others also began to bud into wonderful friendships, which I welcomed dearly! Another place in the world has burrowed a special place in my heart. Thus, the process of discerning my “what's next” became that much harder when I had to think about leaving yet another place I'd come to love. But the comfort in knowing this is Home, assures me this will always be a place to come back to, open arms and hearts will receive me; my feet may leave, but a piece of my heart shall remain.

I am so grateful my own hesitancy and resistance was over come by greater forces – I'm so thankful that I've found Home once again.

And I'm forever blessed because of this.

This FamJam <3
Esser Family Christmas Tree Getting' 2013 

 

The Chronicles of Sarnia: A Father's Love Letter

My Child...
You may not know me, but I know everything about you...Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up...Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways...Psalm 139:3
Even the hairs on your head are numbered....Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image...Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being...Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring...Acts 17:38

I knew you even before you were conceived....Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation...Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book...Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live...Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made...Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb...Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born...psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me...John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love...1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you....1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your father...1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could....Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect Father...Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand...James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs...Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope...Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love...Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts towards you are countless as the sand on the seashore...Psalm 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing...Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you....Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession....Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul...Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvellous things...Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me...Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in my and I will give you the desires of your heart...Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires...Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine....Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager....2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who confronts you in all your troubles....2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you...Psalm 34:18

The Chronicles of Sarnia: Zero Limits Lockdown

It's been a while since I've blogged. Life has been pretty hectic for me lately for various reasons; one of which was because of Zero Limits Lockdown. So I thought I'd write a brief synapses of the weekend for ya.
What is that, you may ask. Well let me tell you :)

It was a stellar "love" weekend geared towards youth. It's intention is to be that of evangelism to young people who have yet to encounter the Lord, thus it is filled with many fun events and activities to draw them in, in addition to the various outreach events and a couple evenings of worship and short talks.  Friday night was an evening of games, including huge blow up equipment filling the entire gym! Too fun I tell ya!. There were also group wide, late night games that went on before and after the talk - they kept the youth occupied to the wee hours of the morning. It didn't matter that we were woken up at 6 am (by a trumpet at that) so we could be on the bus by seven to head to London for some Paint balling (what the what?! craziness right? but total awesomeness).
The afternoon, however, we got into some outreach activities. The theme of the weekend was "love" - spreading the love to others, in addition to encountering the Love of God. So our outreaches included a Hug Run - which was a highlight for many despite the freezing temperatures. In our different group we were dropped off at various (high traffic) locations within Sarnia; my group was at NoFrills.  As one who doesn't jump at the opportunity to interact with strangers too eagerly, I surprisingly LOVED this outing. There are two individuals that stick out to me the most that I'd like to share. The first was an older gentleman; as he approached I asked him "excuse me sir, would you like a hug?" A huge smile appeared on the gentleman's face as he came towards me for the embrace. Unlike the many other hugs I'd already received, this man came with open arms and planted a kiss right on my cheek as he wrapped his arms around me.  It was the best! I knew I had made his day, and he had definitely made mine!
The next distinguished hug from the afternoon was a moment with a middle aged woman. I usually addressed everyone that past by with a gentle "excuse me, would you like a hug?" However, with this lady I couldn't even get the words out before she was in my arms with a touched smile on her face and grand appreciation in her eyes as she said whole heartedly, "I Love You."
A complete stranger, came up to me, and told me they loved me. There really aren't words to explain a moment such as this. In that split second, I felt loved by a stranger - and further yet, I also felt love towards her. I loved this stranger, just from this one short and beautiful moment we shared.
Here is an excellent video Aaron put together of snippets from our varying locations of the hug run :) Enjoy!

After the hug run our groups were than dropped off at varying retirement / nursing homes. This also was a wonderfully rich time. We arrived at our spot and were directed to common area with tables and chairs. Individuals eventually made there way in until there were five or six tables of us - chatting and playing games. I started playing a game with a few ladies originally, but then moved to another table and spent the next half hour to 45 minutes chatting with three pleasant woman. They were absolutely delightful. We had a deck of card but were enjoying our conversation so much we didn't even get around to playing anything :)  Our conversations weren't anything spectacular, however they were most enjoyable!. 

We are also going to do a 2$ car wash, but unfortunately the snow and cold refrained us from doing so. Yet this was such a wonderful idea, you see, the catch comes with the two dollars. When drivers come to the wash expecting to pay two dollars, they would have been surprised by us paying them two dollars. Attached would be a note saying how Jesus washed the feet of His disciples because that's how they travelled around every. Today we use cars, so this was an act of service as Jesus would have done. (but this would have been said more elaborately of course :) )

Saturday evening we had the privilege and fun of doing some square dancing - so awesome! I love square dancing! A lot of fun was had!

Following this we went back to the church for an extended time or worship, a skit, a talk or whatever the spirit led. Which there were unplanned moments that because beautiful treasures of the weekend. I love seeing the way the Spirit comes and moves within a place. Truly beautiful and impact full. 

A skit was also performed which definitely carries some weight to it  that I would say touched everyone in some way on some level. It too was recorded and can be viewed here (keep a special watch for my appearance ;) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TU47DVsXPFs

(will have to copy and paste URL, couldn't get it to work as well as the last one… silly technology with a mind of it's own). 

There were of course more late night games, but most youth were in bed earlier than the night before! It had been a PACKED day and 6:30 am was going to come far too soon. We were woken up by a gentle song sung and played by Marilyn, and a rose from Rob with the reminder that we are loved, beautiful, special and other warm fuzzes of the like. It was much more pleasant than the trumpet's rude awakening from the day before ;) We all made our way to the cafe with sleeping bags, pillows and droopy eyes for a brief reflection (lead by me). I chose to speak about us as the Beloved Children of God - as this was a theme of the weekend, followed by communion as we remember the amazing gift given to us from our Father and his unconditional Love. Whenever I prepare for things like these I find they never come across just as I'd like them to, but I felt that that morning went quite well and I expressed it well to the youth. I trust that God orchestrated whatever needed to touch the hearts of those listening. I'll post the "Father's Love Letter" on the next post that I shared with them - is quite lovely and definitely worth a read. 

All that was left after this was breakfast, clean up and church. We were all a bit sleepy through out church but didn't miss out on the opportunity to share with the rest of RCV what our weekend was all about. 

If you have 16 minutes sometime, I'd encourage you to check out this other awesome over view video of the weekend Aaron has complied. It also is worth a watch! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5z65lky6kw

(this was also not working as the first one did, weird….)