The Simple Question "Why?"

My 'life' learning began at an early age. By 'life' learning I mean the big stuff! Not just algebra, geography and common sense ,rather trying to find the answer to the question 'why?'

On the surface this question doesn't seem complicated. For instances my niece has been asking it constantly since she was two, and as of last week, my 20 month old nephew has begun asking it.  He came up to me at the soccer office and asked why the pack'n'play was out. I told him because Anna-Lynn was going to have sleep and then he  responded "why?"  I looked at him, in disbelief and dread "OH NO!!" I said, followed by "because she's tired and not feeling well." Jordan - "why?" me, OH NO!! It's starting too soon! This isn't supposed to happen til you're at least two! Instead of saying all this to him I answered his question. "because she's not feeling well, she had her needles today" and that was that, he walked away and went back to playing. "Why" is a simple question that children learn to ask at a young age. The problem for us adults  is the answers to this simple question , on the other hand, can be rather difficult. 

My childhood 'best' friend, Jenni, passed away in her sleep when she was 14. It was the night after our grade 8 graduation. The time leading up to this evening was one of grand expectation and excitement as life was just "beginning," essentially.  We were on the brink of our high school years, with only two months of wonderful summer days in "the way." We had talked about the many opportunities that were yet to come. However, these were all dashed when I heard the news the next morning. It was too soon, she was so young, there was so much left in life, yet she was dead. It didn't make sense and I spent years asking the simple question "why?"

If you've spent anytime with young children you will know that this verbal game of tag can go on for a while. A child asks a question, receives an answer, than that answer is followed by "why?" An answer is once again provided and the child often will respond with "why?" and so on. Do you get the idea? My three (and a half) year old niece has come to the point of answering her own "why" questions sometimes, which is great! She'll ask why, briefly pause and then say, "because you said so?" or "because God made it that way?" (can you tell what her mom usually answers the "why" question with?). She has discovered an automatic answer, because eventually the why question cannot be answered and thus the child is left with a "because I said so."

In the days after Jordan asked me that simple question, I've been doing some pondering about it. Conclusion, it has to be one of the most difficult questions to answer. I haven't come up with a satisfying answer to why Jenni died, especially when there was so much potential for the life she lead. It just doesn't make sense. And as much as I can be told or think that it's all in God's timing, it was her time, good can come (and has come) from this tragedy, thus it's ok. But I still find myself asking "why?" and I don't think I will fully receive an answer that will keep me from asking it and playing verbal tag. Perhaps it's as simple as what my sister says to Laura "because I said so" or "because God made it that way."  Jenni's death happened because it did. And yes I can elaborate on some answers to the question 'why' but where does that get me? It happened, and that's something the rest of us left behind have to live with. It's something that we can learn from, grow from and search for the good a midst the bad. I know I've certainly encountered all three, granted it took me years to let go of questioning and move on to accepting. From acceptance I've been able to move forward and discover what Jenni's life meant to me, the innocence of childhood we shared. The innocence of life we had at the young age of 13 and 14. Sweet bliss. 

From acceptance I've been able to see how her death, this loss, has shaped me. How it has forced me to question - life, death and many other things of this world. Instead of asking why, I've been able to see growth in myself and others that were affected by this dear child's death. I know it has affected many, and I just hope and pray that those loved ones have been able to move forward from questioning onto encountering the good and keeping in mind the good memories and the blessing this young artist, runner, book worm and animal lover was to us all. Even though her life was cut short in our standard of timing, I hope and pray that her sweet smile is seen, her laugh is heard and her loving touch is felt from others around us in the world.

Maybe this all sounds cliché, Sunday school like or down right cheesy, but the question "why" can only get us so far. There's more to see beyond that, It just has to be found in a different direction. Right now, this is what I'm seeing, and I hope that I will continually see new perspectives on how Jenni's death has been more than  just a tragedy with unanswered questions.

Here's a fitting quote I received in an email today -

"The question is not what you look at, but what you see." ~ Henry David Thoreau 

Sweet, Sweet Jenni

Over the years the memories have faded.

Your life seems so surreal to me,

sometimes it's hard to believe you were actually a part of it.

The makes my heart heavy.

I wish I could remember.

I wish I could remember the good times

                    And the bad;

But mostly the good.

I wish I could remember your laugh.
Your smile and those eyes that always seemed to hold a secret;

Those I can remember, but only from the pictures.

But your laugh, your voice and your touch,

                    they're gone.

Sweet, sweet Jenni,

we were so young,

           you were so young;

                    too young.

I never stop wondering what kind of woman you would have become,

                    had you lived.

But I know you would have been something else!

           You were special.

So special to many and at such a young age.

You were such a dear child of God that he called you Home early,

                       or so I thought.

However, His timing is right,

                       it's always right.

Although at 14 most would think you were gone too soon.

            But is was your time.

                       I don't know why,

But I know you're laughing on glories side;

Watching over me

             Everyday.

And for this, I thank you,

my sweet, sweet Jenni.

Photo taken at my place June 20, 2005
 (just 3 days before she passed away)

 A bit more context in next post...

The Dream Job

This past week has been above and beyond the normal crazy my life becomes once I'm home. Not only am I incredibly busy at work as my mom and I are putting in long days and some evenings (more so for mom), but I received a life changing phone call on Monday. Some life changing phone calls can be devastating, such as the news of a dear friend's death; while others may be exciting and enriching, such as the announcement of the arrival of a new niece or nephew. Still others can be, all at the same time, amazing and unfortunate, out of the blue and overwhelming, that can leave one with quite the decision to make in the aftermath. This was Monday's call. I had already spent the weekend curious about this phone call with Lorna as she had emailed me from my school saying she needed to talk to me could I please call her. I was thrown off by this because practically everything from my school is communicated through email that I couldn't figure out what was SO important that required a phone call. Lorna is one of the financial ladies at my school - so this phone call could have been a good thing or a bad thing. :S I didn't even think of her involvement with the leadership of my church. The topic of conversation didn't have anything to do with SSU, rather my church - The St.Croix Vineyard.
I have been offered a job as the Summer Program Coordinator - which means I will mainly be working with the youth and children's program, with some maintenance/administration duties and other church event plannings.

WOW! This was my response to our conversation. I couldn't believe it! It sounded so wonderful yet right away I was wondering of the logistics - how much I would be working/making to ensure that I would still be financially stable for the fall's tuition. I couldn't say yes on the spot even though part of me didn't want to think of anything other than accepting! But I knew there was more to it than this. I had to think about it, discuss it with my parents, know more details (as many as possible), discuss with friends and prayerfully consider this. I was given a week. All in a matter of 5 minutes my life was turned upside down....
Well, ok. Maybe that is just a little dramatic, but I've been known to be like that. How about, my anticipated summer was thrown for a loop? yeah, that sounds about right.

The rest of that day I was thinking about a million thoughts a minute. The phone call happened at lunch, by 5 o'clock I think I had thought of just about everything! Still not yet fully thinking it a possibility to accept. I could hardly wait to talk it over with my parents and get their opinion. Once I received it I was blown away. They were and are in full support of this opportunity! Essentially they said I'd be crazy if I didn't accept, (no not really but...). It's not every day this kind of opportunity just drops in your lap, take it while you can is what I was hearing over and over. Yes, it's unfortunate, you won't be home, they said, but if this is something you want to do in the future...well then, it's a great experience and will look good on a resume later on. YES, that is what I'd thought of already.

Of course this is all ready practically thinking. I'd already let myself entertain thoughts of this community I love, these kids that are so full of energy and love for God and exploring life following him. And the youth group that is so well bonded together, searching after truth and a life that is really pleasing to God. A group that already shows signs of being prayer warriors, empathetic, loving, and desiring to learn more and more. And of course, they're a group of friends that know how to have fun! (can you tell I've already spent some time with them this past year?). I'd have to write a novel if I wrote all those million thoughts I had, so I won't. But what it really comes down to is, yes, I would be crazy if I didn't accept. To say no to spending my summer with these amazing people would just be RIDICULOUS! However, this didn't stop the torment I had to making this decision. After knowing my parents were all for it, I was like "shoot, that means this decision is  ALL up to me...dang it..." So began a couple sleepless nights and days of thinking of one thing yet many things within that one thought...

It's a dream job really! It's something I'd like to do in my future (at least I think it's what i want to do, ask me after this summer and I will have a better idea ). The Pros have outdone the Cons even though there are significant cons of going back to NB earlier than I anticipated. Aspects of the summer I will miss with my family that I'm slightly heart broken about. Precious moments I won't get back (thinking mainly of my nieces, nephew and soon to arrive baby cousin - that cousin being another dream come true) but also with other members of my family and the few friends I have around here. It was not an easy decision and I do have a heavy heart when I think of leaving. So since making the decision I've mainly thought of the arrival, the anticipation of what will come as I interact more with these kids and teens. The summer days I can spend with my friends out there, and also the learning I will gain from this position. I am so excited about this journey I will embark on. I am so excited for the challenge and the growth I hope I will encounter as I learn. I am so thrilled that I get to become a bigger part of the lives of those kids and teens that I've already come to love; to share life, explore and learn together. I also enjoy entertaining thoughts of living a summer on the east coast!! WAHOOO! (side note I just had to add...)

As with all decisions, I've found myself wondering since I officially said yes to Lorna if I'd made the right decision to go back. God has been so faithful to me the last few days as He's presented me with a few experiences and interactions with others that have pointed to a confirmation of 'yes, Janell, you made the right decision.' In which my response has been 'PHEWPH....thank you! yes it will be hard to leave, but I can't express how wonderful it will  be to arrive.

I also have to admit, the more I've been thinking of this the last few days, the more nervous I'm getting. Wondering if I'm really cut out for this. Can I really handle this? Will I be able to succeed in my role? Will I live up to the churches expectations of me in this role? Can I pour into the kids/youth as much as they need...? ect ect ect...

I hope and pray I can! I hope and pray that God will be using me more this summer than I even know. There's no way I can do this on my own, that is for sure. But I know I have a wonderful community of support behind me and rumour has it God is on my side too! Thus, I'm trusting I will be able to succeed, even with a struggle, in getting over every mountain and through every river I encounter. I'm finding I have to hold onto the excitement of arriving oppose to the despair of leaving; and to the fact that this is all for the kids/youth - you know, those remarkable people that I love - no intimidation necessary!

Am I overwhelmed by this? yes, Am I thrilled? yes. It's going to be a marvelous summer!

Spring -  A sign of:

A New Beginning

New Life

And Growth


How Fitting! :D

Livin'n'Learnin'

This blog originally created as Asia Affects after I returned home from my trip to South East Asia in 2010. I used this as a way to share stories and experiences from my time there and how these had an affect over me. However in the time since I've enjoyed writing random posts of what I've been thinking or doing, livin' and learnin.' So to not totally stray away from the Asia Affects theme of this blog, this may become  an outlet for me to share with friends and family, near and far, of how I'm living and what I'm learning along the way :)  Thus, this blogs address has stayed the same (as I'm still affected by my Asia experience) but the title I've adapted to "Livin'n'Learnin'.