As the week of the seven year anniversary since my Grade 8 graduation is upon me, I can't help but think of dear Jenni. I can't help but think that this week, this very week, 7 years ago, we were celebrating the end of one chapter of our lives. We were celebrating the finish and success of our elementary career. It was a week of laughter, light hearted conversation, fun, excitement and anticipation. These last couple weeks I've been reflecting on this and how grateful I am that this was the state of our minds at the time. That we were happy and care-free as we enjoyed the last few days together as the tight-knit class and circle of friends we had become over the years, growing up in that small Christian School. I haven't thought much of this before, but as I've come to this enlightenment, I am SO thankful our last few days together were spent in celebration.
Yet tonight, as I was reading a novel, the story takes me to the moment a child is faced with saying good bye to his dying father for the last time. What a gut wrenching part of the story. It had me wonder, what would that good bye feel like? What would that hug feel like, knowing it will never happen again? How would those words feel rolling off his tongue "good bye daddy" knowing that is the last time they'd be said; the last time they'd be heard by his father? What would it feel like, knowing this was the last moment left with his father? I then wondered, what would it have felt like for me, my friends and Jenni, had we known that that night, 7 years ago, would be our last time together? What would it have been like had we known those last days of celebration would be the last days we had with Jenni? What would we have felt? How would we have acted, communicated? How would we have said good bye?
I assume we wouldn't have been so happy. I assume we wouldn't have laughed as much, or been as care-free and innocent. I assume we wouldn't have had those days of sweet bliss. I assume it wouldn't have felt like a celebration at all. We would have been heart broken. Confused. Lost. Solemn. The great memories we have now, would not have been made. The good byes would have been much more heart felt and tear filled. We would be lost for words to say or we'd be trying to say as much as we could to Jenni, being it our las time together. What would she have been like? Excited? Scared? Sad? How would she have said good bye to us?
I've always been hurt by the fact that her death was a sudden one. I've always been hurt by the fact that I never had a chance to say a real good bye to my dear friend. I've always wished we had more time, or we would have known. Many times I've wished that maybe she could have been sick for a bit before, so we knew it was coming (terrible to wish that upon someone); so it wasn't a shock and most of all, so we would have had some time to say good bye and have some closure before she left this earth. There was no hug exchange between the two of us. No "I will miss you" or affirmation of our love for one another. No opportunity to apologize for past hurts, or moment of forgiveness. There was no appreciation of our friendship expressed, of the many years that included even more amazing and fun times. There was only a brief "see ya on Sunday" as we passed each other in the hall. The last words that rolled off my tongue to her were "see ya Sunday Jen," paired with a smile. That's it. No closure. No indication that that would be our last moment together. That was the end.
This use to always bother me. I hated the lack of closure. I hated the shock and surprise of her death. I hated the loneliness without her, the regrets of hurtful words spoken, and the absence of a hug. I hated the absence of a real goodbye.
However, as I reflect on the week of celebration, especially as NCS (my elementary school) just celebrated the graduating class of 2012 tonight, I've come to a new appreciation of those last few days we had together. I now even appreciate our ignorance of what was to come. I appreciate this because I now realize that we were able to enjoy those days to the fullest potential in the most normal manner. We were able to enjoy our childhood innocence for those last few days. We were able to celebrate our success with happiness, together as friends. We were able to be ourselves right 'til the end, even if that meant there was some forgetfulness and irritations amongst each other. We were able to say good bye in a natural setting and manner. Because of the unknown, we could enjoy our graduation. As I think about what could of been, if we had known, I realize those days wouldn't have been the same or as enjoyable. I realize they wouldn't be as happy or care fare. I wouldn't have the precious memories of our last few days together as I do now. They're joyful memories, and I like them that way. Jenni died peacefully in her sleep; no sickness, no pain. She didn't have to suffer. And for all this, I will happily accept the lack of a real good bye.
One aspect of my good bye that I have always appreciated of the last moment Jenni and I had was the fact that it wasn't a good bye. It was a "see ya later." This bring me so much joy and hope! Because it's true, it wasn't and isn't a good bye; it was and IS a "see ya later." Because of our heavenly Father's sacrifice, we do have hope. I have hope. Jenni and I will see each other later. Sure, I don't know when, but I know for certain that it will happen. So as I reflect on the wonderful-ness of our days of celebration and lack of good bye, so to say, I realize it was perfect. It was just as it should have been. It was celebratory, we were ourselves, and my closure is the "see ya sunday." That, was for sure, a precious moment, yet I didn't fully realize how precious.
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