The Chronicles of Sarnia: The Painful Reality of Love

It's absolutely crazy to me that November is halfway over and I am now in my last month here in Sarnia (that's when I started writing this, now it's one day from being over).  This obviously comes with mixed emotions as I cherish my days left here but also anticipate the coming Christmas weeks with my family (followed by the daunting unknown that is to proceed).

Love has been a bit of struggle being here. Coming in, knowing it's only short term, made it difficult to really allow myself to engage and foster the many new relationships I was encountering; especially since I am a naturally reserved person. Furthermore, my recent departure from the east was hard enough. Those relationships were four years in the making and a part of the most formative years of my life, there's no wonder I was upset to the point of being sick to leave. My heart was raw and aching at the beginning of the chronicles of Sarnia; it has most definitely been difficult to be away from my Home in the east. The thought of putting myself in that position again was just the thing to keep up my barriers that dissuade others to come in.

I've kept my distance, I haven't fully allowed myself to "love out" or  accept "love in." If you know me well, you will know that my personality is all about love. According to the Enneagram my type's basic desire is to be loved, and in response, to express this outward. Thus, holding back hasn't been easy. Holding back isn't necessarily something I've whole heartedly wanted to do, yet it had seemed necessary under the circumstances and the condition of my heart upon embarking on my time here.

Overtime however there have been a few relationships that have evolved into love without even trying (perhaps even with a little resistance).  That's the thing about love, it can often happen when you're not looking, whether you like it or not (in my experience at least). A beautiful thing for sure! It's mostly unfolded with my fellow interns and the family I've been living with. I've not only been welcomed into their home, but also into their family. I feel so incredibly blessed to be apart of this family, it has been pure joy getting to know them.  I'm blessed to know I am always welcome here - whether that be to stay now or return later in life. It makes my heart swell with happiness, but also ache with sadness at the thought of leaving.

I'm so grateful that despite my resistance I've found love. I've been able to love and be loved in return. God knows my heart. He knows I needed love, as we all do, but he also knew I've been more vulnerable to it recently. I'm entirely grateful that he found the right balance of love and distance my heart needed. Yet, these last couple of weeks, I've found myself love even more deeply despite the upcoming departure date. Rather, is it because that date? It's both comforting and unsettling to me how the nearing of an end in a place can make me fall that much harder in love with it.

A quote from Henri Nouwen (of course from Henri, he is my hero you know!) resonates with my thoughts of love and the pain of leaving.

Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain.   The greatest pain comes from leaving.  When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.  

Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving.  And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair.  We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.

Henri Nouwen 

Love is risk. Risk of pain. Loss. Sorrow. The risk of heart ache is the painful reality of Love. Because I've experienced these risks, I did hesitate to love. However, I also recognize the joy, the beauty and the richness of life that comes with Love. So my mind tells me it is worth it. I cannot imagine life without Love. Life without Love is not worth it.  The joy of loving is way greater than the sorrow of loss. My heart, it wants to live in a way that always feels it's worth it. I'm not proud that I've held back, I feels as if I've missed out on a part of what this experience could have been. If I'd fully let go to fully love, my time here would have been that much greater. But in my fragile state, I didn't do this. Thus, in the times my heart is resistant,  I'm thrilled to know God orchestrates the coming and going relationships in a way that my heart receives the love it needs as well as gives the love it desires to. I'm thrilled that if I can't seem to find the balance, He does. I feel blessed to know that He gives me the strength to trust that Love is worth it, even if it's only a little love at times. 


Whether I stay in Sarnia or go, I know that I've found Love here - my heart beams with that knowledge. As for the ache, it is a good ache. It is like the ache ones body feels after a hard work out. It's the ache that comes from something so good and so pure, thus in a way, it is welcomed.