Living in Silence: Day Four

Monday, April  05, 2010

Then the word of the LORD came to him, saying, "what are you doing here, Elijah?" He answered, "I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken you covenant, thrown down your altar and killed your prophets with the sword, I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away."

Elijah meets God at Horeb

He said, "Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting the mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the win and earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence.

1 Kings 19:9-13

"Silence is nothing else but waiting  for God's Word and coming from God's Word with a blessing. But everybody knows that this is something that needs to be practiced and learned, in these days when talkativeness prevails. Real silence, real stillness, really holding one's tongue comes only as the sober consequence of spiritual stillness."

From Life Together by Dietrich Bonheoffer

Today was my hardest academic day EVER. I was up at 4 am to work on my philosophy paper. I didn’t finish it till after 8  pm and I had only taken a few short  (they were quite short!) breaks throughout the day. Well one was longer when Kelly and I had both lost all our focus. We must have laughed for at least a half hour if not an hour. Even though I was laughing I was having a hard time. I wanted to talk so bad but because I couldn’t I just laughed. That is all I could do. That’s all I could do to keep from talking. Oh I also took a break for suffering class. I went to NT class 40 minutes late and only stayed till break. Even when I was in class I was editing my paper. So I did not get anything from what was talked about, well other than they were talking about Colossians.

After I printed my paper and tidied my stuff up in our room I went to get a piece of toast. When I came back I put it in Angela’s office before I got my stuff out of my room. But when I got to my door it was locked. The roommate had locked me out for the second time that day.  She locked the door and then put her music on loud in her headphones so she couldn’t even hear me knock on the door. So I had to get the key from the R.A.'s  room once again. It was frustrating and just enough to put me over the edge. I want to talk soo much right now! I just want to verbally rant to someone…but I keep telling myself that  I’ll be ok. Being locked out really did me in. That’s when the tears broke loose. (as an added side note, if you haven't figure out by now….I am an emotional person/cry a lot, not one of my characteristics I'm  proud of, or like) I was so stressed out from the day of researching and then writing over 3000 words. I was tired from getting up at 4 am. I wanted to talk, I miss(ed) talking and it is(was) driving me crazy not to talk. I came to Angela’s office to chill out.  After all this happened and all these emotions were erupting I really wanted to talk. I was so ready to open up my mouth and talk things out, get a hug from a friend and sleep. I pulled myself  together and walked over to April's room in St.Croix House. I didn’t fully intend to speak when I got there but I just wanted to get away from PH and then see what happened when I got to her room. She wasn’t there.  I crashed on her bed for a while and calmed down enough to fall asleep, (and another added side note, it was usual for me to crash on her bed and sleep for a few hours before I went to bed in my bed cause SCH is quieter than PH and I got to bed early… :P). I woke up when April came back in her room around 11:30 I think. She talked to me some, but I couldn’t respond, she asked me how I was; I so wanted to speak. But I didn’t. I just said I was ok (you know with my hands). She asked me if I’d come over just to sleep or to find her. My answer to that would have been both if I could have spoken but I didn’t really get that across to her. Oh I wanted to communicate verbally so much at that point but I remained silent. Gave only a faint smile and laugh here and there along with some hand gestures. All things I’ve been getting use to using the last few days. I left shortly and returned to my room to continue sleeping. Talk about a hectic day!  I was emotionally and academically exhausted, not the greatest combo…but oh well. (this journal was actually written the next day, so I've revised it a little…and added a few 'side notes' today)

I do have to say, looking back at this day even now, it was one of my hardest, not only was the not speaking getting to me, but that was a heck of a philosophy paper and my brain doesn't do philosophy, especially for THAT many hours! But don't worry, the week gets better! Even though this day doesn't seem very promising...