Living in Silence: Day One

April 02, 2010

Each night of the week I followed a guideline for my quiet time with God. It began with a daily scripture, followed by Selections for meditation (these are long so I will not be sharing them), personal meditation, Prayer, the Hymn lyrics of Still Still with Thee and a Benediction.

Listen! I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to you and eat with you, and you with me. To the one who conquers I will give a place with me on my throne , just as I myself conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne, Let anyone who has an ear listen to what the Spirit is saying to the churches.

Revelation 3: 20-22

Prayer

There is so much to be said in the Christian life, but it is God who is to do the speaking. Pray for silence both in mind and spirit so that you may hear his voice. If he spoke to you in a whisper, would you be quiet enough to hear him?

Benediction (read every night)

Come, Lord, and speak to my heart. Communicate to it your holy will, and mercifully work within it both to will and to do according to your good pleasure. Alas! How long shall my exile be prolonged? When shall the veil be removed which separates time from eternity? When shall I see that which I now  believe? When shall I find what I seek? When shall I possess what I love, which is you, O my God! Grant, O Jesus, that these holy desires with which you now inspire me, may be followed by that eternal happiness which I hope for from your infinite mercy. Amen

Thomas a Kempis

I took time to journal and reflect upon my day most evenings or the following morning.

(journal bits in blue....) 

I have almost completed my first full day of silence. What an experience it has been already. As in, it has been hard and has brought me to tears a few times already. I knew that this week was going to be hard; I think that is why I was so nervous and freaked out last night before it started. But now that I am in it I am truly realising how difficult it is for me not to talk to those around me. Not to be able to simply ask them how they are doing, or to say thank you when someone does something kind for me, or even to respond to those that speak to me, when asked a question or to simply comment back to them. It is more difficult to carry on a conversation when only mouthing words, using my hands or sometime briefly writing a few words on a piece of paper. Not being able to talk is difficult. I love to talk to people, I also love to listen. But even in listening I do enjoy putting in a word or two. But today I haven’t been able to do that as much. I have had to find different ways to interact with people; at times it can be awkward.

Before I went for  a walk I stopped by my friends room to ask her a question (via a piece of paper). When I walked in she said 'hey,"  I replied with "oh Hey."  Totally took myself off guard. Like I didn’t even mean to say that, it just came out. I have realised today just how much of a natural thing talking is. (I have also realised how much I talk to myself). I am finding when I am with others I am conscious of my vow of silence, (besides playing Dutch blitz, I forgot a few times, I let out a few sound effects…) But when I am by myself, or on my walks I just start talking to myself, or out loud to God. I have gone for two walks today and when I go on walks I talk out loud to God, so to not do that today was hard as well. Yeah sure I could still talk to God in my mind, but it is just so natural for me to walk and talk and carry that conversation on with God. But I also found myself talking to myself a few times today. I wasn’t even conscious about it until I was hearing my voice.

It was also hard not to sing today. It is Good Friday so Kelly and I went to the Presbyterian church for the good Friday service. I usually go to the Vineyard church while I am at school but it didn't have a good Friday service so we went to the Presbyterian Church instead. Both being from a Dutch Reformed background it was so refreshing to be in a similar church again.  The vineyard is WAY different. This church there was an organ, a pipe organ. We walked up the front steps into a church sanctuary where we were greeted, given a bulletin and found our way to a pew! All the while hearing the organ. Kelly and I were both quite excited about that. It felt good also to sing hymns. Except that is where my problem was, I wasn’t able to sing. Tonight we also had worship circle, it was hard for me to sit through that and not sing. Times that I connect with God really well is through musical worship. Through singing my heart out to God I can express my feelings, emotions, thoughts etc. But to not do that tonight was almost heart breaking. Okay maybe that is too dramatic, I am not sure what the right word is that I am looking for, but I wanted to use something other than hard. I ended up walking out before the end because I just didn’t want to sit in there anymore. But I 'talked' to God about it and how I was feeling. (Sometimes out loud by accident).

I knew before today how much I express myself to God and people verbally but today I have realised it to a deeper extent. Today I have realised how much we take our voice for granted. Today I have realised how much I take MY voice for granted. Talking is a huge blessing. Talking is amazing! Talking is how I express myself. Through my loud, fast (high pitched at times) talking. When I am happy, I talk. When I am excited, I talk, loudly and fast. When I want to know something, I ask a question. When I want to express my thanks, I talk. When I want to encourage someone I talk. When I am tired, I talk quietly and not as often. When I am sad, or troubled I talk hardly at all. So much of life is expressed through talk. This may seem totally obvious, but it’s not something I have really thought of before. It’s not something I have thought of until I started toying with the idea of going a week without talking. And as the time to begin this vow of silence I got more nervous and more freaked out by that thought. One week hasn’t looked this long in a really long time! I sit here tonight and think to myself “six more days of this?” I wonder to myself if I really can do it. Part of me really would just like to throw in the towel here and now and call it quits but another part of me doesn’t want to do that. I want to continue with this vow of silence. I want to continue this time to take extra time to focus on God, to sit in silence with God, to go on walks with God but let him do the talking rather than me. I want to hear his whisper.

As I reread my reflections from this week, I remember how hard it was for me not to sing and worship God in those times that I wanted to sing along. But I think that was part of the challenge for me, was to find other ways to focus on God, other way to worship God than through the norm of singing, and other ways to worship God during these worship times. Later on in the week I touch this aspect more, as I came to a realisation during this experience.  So I'll get back to this….